Thursday, November 17, 2011

These moments in Life.....

I took these photos a few weeks ago when the sun was setting and it was like someone drew a line that cut across the sky.  Every time I looked up it was more beautiful and more pink. I kept saying "I've never seen anything like this" and the kids totally picked up on my energy and got into it.  They kept pointing out changes and different colors they saw.
These photos don't do it justice at all, but I did discuss this particular sunset with a friend who saw it and understood.  
 Today my daughter turned six and I had that feeling of tears being close to the surface the whole day.  From the moment she woke up I felt like crying.  Crying with joy, with fear, with pride, with love.  I volunteered at school today and read the class a book that we donated to the classroom.  I had to really focus because sitting in that chair looking out at all those eager to learn, precious little faces filled with so much possibility, well, it just made me feel so blessed and FULL.  Full of life and all that it has to offer.  
Ten years ago today my Dad passed away unexpectedly.  Four years later on the same date, I gave birth to my firstborn child.  How he would have adored this redheaded, freckle faced child full of love and grace. I miss him.  Most of all I miss the things he has missed.  I visualize him with my kids and my sister's kids.  The ways in which he would have held them as babies.  The way he would have interacted with them as toddlers and now as they grow into reasoning beings who talk and read and write and are students of the world, learning from everyone who is present in their lives.  

My Dad was a man of few words but his actions spoke volumes to me.  He complained very little.  He would get up at night when we were long and fast asleep in the middle of below zero weather and drive to work for midnight.  He took care of us.  He loved us and helped us and when he spoke up you knew he meant business and you didn't question it.  When he told me that Guess jeans were ridiculously priced and that I'd have to pitch in my own money to make up the difference, I did it.  Because he was my Dad and it made sense if I cared to see the big picture.
I've said it before and I'll say it again.  Life is amazing.  I am living my life open to the possibilities of deep joy and great sorrow.  I want to go there.  I want to really be in the thick of things.  There is no other way.  My mom had a stem cell transplant just a few months ago.  My mother in law died in January.  I turned 40 in August and am awakened to the reality of how fast time rushes by.  I want to be of service.  I want to live my passions and hear my calling, live my calling, not fear it.  I've met new people this year who have reminded me that friendship is a precious gem.  I have been broken open and feel ready to view new vistas.  I want to climb the damn mountain!
I am not sure what my intention was when I began this post.  But that's okay.  Sometimes my best posts are written when I "just want to get something quick down" so I can fulfill my commitment to blog Monday through Friday and end up typing away, pouring out what I may not even know was bubbling to make it's way to the surface.  I love that.  Writers live for these moments.
 It is sometimes hard to explain the workings of your heart.
But I know if I just get up everyday and love and smile and spread joy, then that's what I will receive back from the universe.
Not so long ago I was convinced that a certain kind of car, or the right job with the right income would make me happy.  What a foolish child I was. How liberating to let all that "looking good" stuff go.  How free I feel to just be me.  To just show up and offer what I have to  Simply me, with our without makeup on!  

I now understand that it's never about the stuff.  It's only about the stuff on the inside and how to share it, be of service and make a connection.  I'm making my mark on the world everyday in my own little way, in my own little corner of the world with my little family, with my friends and loved ones and I gotta tell ya, it's amazing.  Thank you for reading this blog and being a part of my little world.  It means everything.  

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