It's been so long since I just sat down and WROTE words and ranted and raved and dumped all my stuff out. I've been too busy with all my Stowe photos right?!!! I'm over the snow vacation photos when it is so unusually warm and all the summer clothes are in rotation. I mean it's only March 21! This weather kind of freaks me out. It makes me feel like we will be holed up in the house all summer (when this sort of weather SHOULD be happening!) because we will DIE from the extreme heat. And who says global warming is a farce?!
I feel motivated and inspired by this weather, however and I'll take that wherever I can get it. As a SAHM the routine (I could do it sleepwalking) really drags me down. Wake up, make peanut butter and jelly sandwich, inject coffee into my veins, walk to bus stop, tell Evan to get out of the road a hundred times, make a plan for the day so I don't go insane. Listen to Evan cry twelve times before noon and listen to his "I'm hungry" with exhaustion.
I've been on a good long roll of working out. That helps a great deal. I read someplace that working out 3 times a week is like being on a low dose of Xanax. But I'm here to tell you that I need a higher dose. Yesterday while out on a run/walk I had this thought that life (and I have a good one, I'm not complaining) sucks everything out of you, so we have no choice but to suck right back and cultivate joy and find little fulfilling pieces that make us whole again.
"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived." ~Henry David Thoreau
Having a three year old at the age of 40 sometimes makes me feel like a) thank goodness I didn't do this when I was 23. b) I should have done this when I was 23. c) I could easily go back to work and not cry when I drop him off at daycare. d) I'd cry my eyes out dropping him off thinking that I'm not giving him what his sister got. Bottom line: there are no answers, no right or wrong. I'm on a journey to determine my place in this world when being a mom isn't enough.
And it is enough at times. Those precious little moments of the day that Evan will say "I wanna go by you" and he curls his little body into my lap and I smell his hair and inspect the dirt under his fingernails and wonder how I got so lucky. I had two children without fertility issues and they are perfectly healthy. My family is healthy. We all rarely go to doctors. I have too many friends right now whose lives are ripped apart at the seams keeping death at bay at too young of an age. They would give up anything to just have more of THIS. What I have. Right here. Right now.
I saw an old friend over the weekend and we discussed being happy with the all the ordinary days. That "normal" and "even keel" are what we should be grateful for. But why is that so difficult? We live in this world of "what's next" and go-go-go, spend-spend-spend to create an artificial world. The benefit of being 40 and having young children is that I am more ME. I don't care as much about what other people think. I am growing more confident and brave all the time. And this is a gift I can share with my children. When Lauren cares so much about what the class "queen bee" will say about her hair or appearance, I have to brace myself so I don't scream, "Who the hell cares what she thinks?! I feel my blood pressure go up a notch as my mama bear kicks in with vengeance. But it took me FORTY years to get here! She's SIX! It's a journey!!!
If someone showed me a photo of my six year old self and asked me what I would say to her, the first thought that pops to mind is, "Don't care so much about what other people think. You are really great, smart and funny and you are not fat and never will be so let that stuff go too." A few months ago a friend told me that when she thinks about me she thinks about my big heart. Even today when I think about this compliment I feel my heart swell like the Grinch. This touches me more than any other compliment I have ever received. Because at the end of the day, do you want someone to compliment you on your character or your body? But I had to be in this good space in my life to accept it. To let it in. To live that compliment more often. It was a true gift.
I would also tell that six year old self not to compare herself to others. This is a tough one. In theory I GET the concept that there will always be someone less than or greater than myself. I GET that there is more than enough of anything you desire to go around. (More than enough money, fame, power, acknowledgement, success, etc.) But when my desires don't align with my actions I can easily feel like everyone else got invited to the party and I'm the one sitting at home alone. Lately I've been comparing myself to other people's blogs, book deals, writing styles, and thighs. (just kidding about the thighs but having to pull out the shorts in March is not cool!) So in general, other peoples success in the world of writing and all its various forms.
And you know what shakes that ego right outta me so I can be my true self and show up everyday for myself and my family? Being in action. It works every time. I can't sit around reading all these amazing blogs thinking "oh, she is such an amazing writer" if I'M NOT WRITING! Sure, I've been blogging. But this right here, all these letters strung together to make words in a haphazard rant? This is what fills me up and gives me yet another puzzle piece to put on the board. Work. in. progress. That's called LIFE. That's called ME!
So thank you for sharing in this thing called LIFE with me. At the end of the day I care about this work. (work being my writing or my therapy!!!!) I can't compare myself to the other big bloggers out there. All it takes is one lousy post to go viral and the game changes. All I can do is show up, write and be myself. Sometimes what you THINK you want is not "IT" at all. Sometimes it is simply being present, aware of the bigger picture.
Now, I'm off to suck the marrow out of this day!