Random thoughts from Monday....
Today marked the official end of the holiday season. The kids went back to school today. I am happy to get back into the routine of proper bedtimes, teeth brushing and less excess. I act like the routine slowly kills me, but we work more efficiently on a schedule. I can even see the difference in the kids. We all sort of thrive on the sameness and the weekends help us break up the weekly drill.
Random thoughts from today (Friday):
I went to Costco today and although I didn't cry, I was feeling sad and lonely that Mom wasn't with me. What I think most people don't truly understand about this entire process is that the normal ordinary stuff slays you. The big holiday hoop-la stuff, not so much. It's like you brace yourself for the big stuff. But the normal stuff just hits you in the gut. Mom and I would make a "Costco run" (as we called them) and execute that store like ninjas. She'd man the cart with Evan to get free samples and I'd whittle down my list in record speed. Then we'd check out, get a snack and I'd unload the car while she put everything away in the cupboards. (usually creating another organization project! She hated my kids craft cupboard and complained that I wasn't utilizing the space properly!)
Another thing I'm guessing people don't understand is that I didn't need a sympathy card when my Mom died, I need one now, three months later. I need to know that you haven't forgotten. I need to know that you know that I'm still dying inside. That I'm still piecing together the feelings of being 41 and both my parents are gone. I need you to understand how hard it is that life just keeps moving on when nothing will ever be the same again. I need you to be okay with my anger.
Selfish as it may be, I don't want to hear about all the joyous extended family togetherness you had over the holidays. I took it for granted. I'm sure you do too. How can you not? One doesn't focus on "let me be really present to the fact my mother is alive" when life is just life-ing along. I'm bitter and jealous (temporarily) about the fact that your parents and grandparents and great grandparents are alive.
When my Dad died my sister and I would say, "Well, if someone had to go first, we are okay with the fact it was Dad and not Mom." We adored our Dad. He was one of the finest human beings, friends and hard workers I have ever known. I loved him deeply and truly. He taught me so much. But there is something about your MOM. Mom's are everything. They are your whole world as a child and then if you are lucky enough, they become a close friend.
My soon to be 90 year old grandmother has to deal with the numbing pain of her child dying. She had to attend her daughter's funeral when she would have traded places with her no questions asked. Hell if I can understand any of this.
I have days when I don't cry. I have days when I simply can't shake the sadness. Overall I think I'm doing pretty damn good. I thank my lucky stars everyday that I have my sister. I am so thankful for the crazy love and good times shared with my incredible Mother. I had one of the best.
"When the love is big the pain is big."