Monday, February 25, 2013

Chasing Grief....

Grief chased me around every corner today....every nook and cranny.  I couldn't escape.  It pulled on my apron strings like a toddler as I cooked dinner.  It found me in a drawer when I pulled out the instructions to Mom's wig holder. (of all things!)  I ripped it up in a bunch of small pieces and threw it in the garbage and said out loud, "You will never have to wear a wig again Mom."  Grief found me in a drawer in the basement guest room in a pen from a resale shop Mom and I explored in Stowe, Vermont....almost a year ago already.  Grief found me in the dust bunnies as I cleaned.  

I've come to understand I might as well get used it.  It's like a part of me now.  The bruise that never fades.  The tears that will always spring to my eyes.  The soft, slow ache of my body.  The never-ending thinking of my brain.  The quiet contemplation.  The never knowing when it's gonna hit you kinda feeling.  I must make this thing my friend.  Get to know it better.  Throw myself into.  Avoiding just doesn't work and damn how I wish it would be that easy.  To not go there.  To not look at photos or think, think, think of all the what-ifs.  (and in the what-ifs I am thinking only of the sickness parts....I feel complete in all that was said, all that existed between Mom and I, but as I've said before, she could have lived to be 95 and I would still have had desires)  With a love so great as a mother and child how could you possibly not keep desiring more?  Just one more hug.  Just one more phone conversation.  Just one more piece of advice that she gives that you know you will share with your own children later.  

Last Tuesday grief found me and took hold of me.  It felt like suffocation.  Today I kept kicking it away.  Looking on the bright side.  (I'm soooooo sick of the g-damn bright side by the way)  But what choice do I have?  I can make a list a mile long of the ridiculous piles of goodness in my life but at the end of the day this fact remains.  It's been FIVE months now.  I tell myself daily that it's "whatever takes" mode.  No right or wrong.  Just survival.  Just doing life.  Just getting through.  There are no answers.  There are no solutions.  Just time.  

My sister texted me today to tell me that she received the boxes I sent.  She sent me a photo of where she put the owl I sent and the texts that transpired between us were light hearted and funny.  And at some point I just burst out crying.  In that simple moment all I wanted to do was be with her. Sometimes I feel so incredibly sorry for myself and yet she is the one person on the face of the earth that gets it.  She knows what Mom smelled like.  She knows what Mom's skin felt like.  She knows the sound of her laughter. She knows our history.

So I did my best to kick grief to the curb today.  I kept incredibly busy and was in some sort of grief-stricken, Spring cleaning, nesting mode and blew through this house like a tornado.  Just when I think there is not a thing to get rid of in this house I manage to amass a small corner to stuff that I'm ready to get rid of.  The influx of all the good memory filled family stuff has enabled me to let go of all the other stuff.  Not that things ever mattered much but today I just needed to eliminate any clutter.  To rearrange and organize.  I'm a person that likes stuff thoughtfully placed everywhere.  I'm definitely not a minimalist when it comes to decorating but today I felt obsessed with eliminating.  It filled me with such calm.  I heard "what you don't have you don't need it now" lyrics from U2 on the way home from picking Evan up from school and it rang true.

On March 1 we will close on the family home. The only family home that has ever existed in my life. Birth to home. Oh sweet Jesus that's gonna be one helluva post.  It's been brewing inside already.  I can feel it. The words are finding me already.  There is happiness, relief and the inevitable sorrow.  The word bittersweet has never been truly understood in my life until now.

Right before the kids went to bed a Bob Marley song came on the radio and we had what I called an "impromptu mini dance party" and let me tell you friends, if there is anything to help stave off that bitch of grief it's a little "I don't want to wait in vain in for your love" from Bob.  Slowly healing..........whatever it takes.  Rising above.  Manufacturing JOY as needed.  ("I don't wanna....I don't wanna....I don't wanna wait in vain for your love)

I love you all
tlka   xo


  1. Hi Tricia, I'm visiting from Donna B's Quiet Life - reading your words and feeling your grief. God bless you.